Protect Your Stretch

StretchSomething beautiful happens in the process of being a human. We stretch and we grow. Our small feet grow to the souls in which we walk on. We see our souls transition to adulthood and become suddenly wiser and more keen on the decisions we make.

The stretch marks that surround our bodies are stripes. They are stripes that symbolize the beauty of change. In every sense of the word, it is the skin that moves and changes.

It is the transformation from year to year and moment to moment. It is the single most beautiful way we can remember our past. It is a time capsule we hold close. It is a view into our scars that came and went.

It is I, the stretch mark, that clears the soul.

The Saturday Visit

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On a Saturday, the view is less than normal.

I have a light picnic outside of the jail entrance. And as I look out of my rear view mirror, I see your silhouette walking towards me.

You visited her on a Saturday because that was the only option. You said she wasn’t good and that’s the answer I expected.

What’s always a little funny to me is how beautiful the grounds are that surround the jail. They’re finely kept. The groundsman is nicely paid and the grass is never above the ankles. 

What’s inside is a dark space with no windows. But what’s outside is the freedom we wish to tantalize our ‘inmates’ with.

They breathe the darkest air.

We breathe the freshest air.

Is that human, anyway?

We Search For You

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After we call numerous numbers and try to find you, we realize you’re right where we left you. We knew that we didn’t trust the man who picked you up. You’re 50 but have the soul of a 20 something. After hours of trying to find an answer of something in which we knew, it became clear that we were not going to find you in the same state of mind. 

Since we’ve done this before, we know you’re gone for a few short days. You will return – clean and sober.

Flustered / Little Frustrated

I have been angry with myself lately. Let me update you on the past week of my life.

About a week ago, I received an email stating that my internship for my Master’s practicum WAS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT. I read that and became very aggravated. A few months back, I had this internship set up and ready to go. I had the green light from both parties. Now suddenly, there are staffing changes? My practicum/internship was supposed to begin in about a month so because I was under the assumption that everything was set in stone, I wasn’t searching for a Plan B (maybe not my greatest move, but also thought I was set). I called my mom and voiced my frustrations. I told her that something didn’t feel right. Everything was building up and all the sudden the one thing I had ready to go all the sudden wasn’t ready to go. I went to the next step and QUIT graduate school all together.

…but for a very good reason. I don’t want to be a social worker and that’s really the question I needed to ask myself, “do I want this?”

I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do great things with a Master’s degree but I also felt like that was the last bit of education I needed to ensure I was “good to go”. Being in school is satisfying to me. I like learning and I like challenging myself to go the extra mile. But I wasn’t happy because I felt like I was turning in assignments just because it had a due date. So after deciding graduate school wasn’t the route for me, I really had to reconsider what in the world I was doing. At least while you’re in school, it’s easy to tell someone, “I’m working toward my Master’s”. Now, I don’t really know what I’m working towards.

…but maybe that’s okay. I work at a grocery store and I also write for various publications on the side. I suppose I could continue down that path for a while and see where it takes me. Or I could get two jobs just like the good ol’ days.

I could do nothing, but I don’t think my bank account would like that. My fiance is ever so kind as to always assist us both financially and was doing so while I worked part-time in school. But now I really don’t have a sense of direction. I’m frustrated at myself that I led myself to believe that grad school was the path for me. I now owe student loans for a semi-waste of 9 months. I can happily attempt to find two jobs but I think my mind is so unclear and unfocused that even if I had two jobs, I’d feel like having one was more fitting. Or I’d start a second one and wish I still had one.

There’s this weird thing that happens when you graduate college: you think it’s necessary to have a good job with a good job title. You want that security because you most likely spent a good part of your life without it. Once it’s here and you’re ready to get that paycheck, you really aren’t happy working that desk job anymore.

When I graduated college, I worked several jobs within a related field (both desk jobs) before I realized I was really unhappy. Then I opted for a simpler lifestyle full of simplicity where I would never take my work home with me. I feel that sense of relief at my current job. I go home knowing that the tasks at work will stay there. I have no nagging clients like my previous jobs and no company cell phone required to bring home with me.

Maybe this is “the life” — the less obligated one where I feel free.

It’s also the more frustrating life because my income is not consistent.

The Best Laid Koi

The best laid koi are the fish that seek no attention

Swimming as they go, to a  place where there is no end

The water flows to a direction they think might be a new location

But it ripples the same water in a circular direction

We can sit there all day and stare at them

Maybe they will notice that we walk away

And they stay

Or maybe, in a world we don’t call our own, they swim away and we never walked away in the first place

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Sitting and Still Staring 

I don’t know why it makes me sick to my stomach

I’ve moved on bht I’ll always remember the the feelings

I was in college

A little stupid but getting smarter

We were both young in our small group of friends. We wanted something special for the 4 of us

When the lights would dim on the soccer field, we’d sneak to the dorms that bred our love of drugs

We’d trip, we’d find…

The alcohol that made us blind. 

We’d find the storeS that were open till dawn

We’d eat the junk food that would bring us dimples 

5 years later and I sit by the same field exhale the emotions are just as strong as they were 5 years ago

Chasing The Man

The merriment between you and me is never clouded

We are upset right now and possibly will be for a few hours

But you know

At the end of the day…

We will always flock back to the arms of eachother

Clouds find shine

They’re wedged between the openness we call air.

The Last Universe

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You take care of your offspring so eloquently. They suckle on you for what seems like hours, but you will lay next to them and provide comfort. They are giving but in an almost unrecognizable way. You are giving in a way that reminds me we are one. We are one community that must look after one another. You are a dog and we think of your mothering skills as that of superior.

One day, your puppies will grow older. You will love them, you will feed them.

But you may lose interest like the litter you had before.

You are a light in a puddle of busy work. You are a mother caring like the animal I considered you to be. You are droplet who has spread her wings to provide life to the ones who never chose life.