How Money Never Emotionally Set Me Free

The level of frustration that swirls around money is un-Godly! When I got my first job ever, I thought I was the coolest person around. I had a little spare change to essentially do nothing considering I had no car and few friends I dared to hang out with. It was still satisfying knowing that if I really, really wanted something, I could get it. Back then, I was highly materialistic. I enjoyed having ‘things’ wherein now I enjoy having experiences.

As I got older, my paychecks got a little bigger. I thought having more money would be even cooler. I’d have a way to get what I wanted (and needed) whenever I needed/wanted those things.

Having more money to work with has been more frustrating than anything. It’s been a level of discussion amongst my fiance so much so that we often don’t want to save money anymore. When we have money saved, we never want to spend it. We could go on a trip, try a class, buy healthier food or pay off something we don’t quite own yet.

The issue was that we never want to touch it. We were saving it for…well, I don’t really know. There’s an old saying that goes a little something like this: why save when memories need to be made? Notice I said ‘need’ as if to imply we are empty without the satisfaction of adventure.

It kind of makes you think. I have this money sitting in my account and it’s good in the case of an emergency, but it’s holding its tight grip over me. It’s tempting me to spend it on an experience. Heck, we aren’t doing anything this weekend, why not go on a mini vacation? It tempts me to take that leap of faith and start a wellness brand. That’s better than anything I’ve ever owned.

I suppose I will never be set free knowing that there’s money in there that I can’t get myself to spend. I’ve been taught to save, save and save some more. What about living? To be the person I envision myself to be, I need to start living, not saving. My parents did their duty to ensure I was conscious of the value of a dollar, but I think I became too conscious.

I’m saving and saving for a house I really don’t want (and won’t ever purchase), a child that’ll come one day (and when it does, we’ll make it work) and a wedding that’ll probably cost a few hundred dollars (cool – I can budget).

I furnished my home with old furniture I found on the side of the road. I did that because I was almost afraid of spending money. I felt if I bought something new, it was a sin. I thought, “Isabelle, you are in your early 20s, you can’t have nice things!” I knew I wasn’t picky, but there were some items I wish I could have gotten that weren’t so…smelly. But I never complained. The hold on me is strong and quite possibly my emotional hold will release itself.

One last thought: who is going to get your savings when you pass away? Don’t hit me with the…”I have a will”. What if tomorrow is that day? What a shame it’s gone to waste when it could have been used for the wanderlust you always had.


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