Flustered / Little Frustrated

I have been angry with myself lately. Let me update you on the past week of my life.

About a week ago, I received an email stating that my internship for my Master’s practicum WAS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT. I read that and became very aggravated. A few months back, I had this internship set up and ready to go. I had the green light from both parties. Now suddenly, there are staffing changes? My practicum/internship was supposed to begin in about a month so because I was under the assumption that everything was set in stone, I wasn’t searching for a Plan B (maybe not my greatest move, but also thought I was set). I called my mom and voiced my frustrations. I told her that something didn’t feel right. Everything was building up and all the sudden the one thing I had ready to go all the sudden wasn’t ready to go. I went to the next step and QUIT graduate school all together.

…but for a very good reason. I don’t want to be a social worker and that’s really the question I needed to ask myself, “do I want this?”

I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do great things with a Master’s degree but I also felt like that was the last bit of education I needed to ensure I was “good to go”. Being in school is satisfying to me. I like learning and I like challenging myself to go the extra mile. But I wasn’t happy because I felt like I was turning in assignments just because it had a due date. So after deciding graduate school wasn’t the route for me, I really had to reconsider what in the world I was doing. At least while you’re in school, it’s easy to tell someone, “I’m working toward my Master’s”. Now, I don’t really know what I’m working towards.

…but maybe that’s okay. I work at a grocery store and I also write for various publications on the side. I suppose I could continue down that path for a while and see where it takes me. Or I could get two jobs just like the good ol’ days.

I could do nothing, but I don’t think my bank account would like that. My fiance is ever so kind as to always assist us both financially and was doing so while I worked part-time in school. But now I really don’t have a sense of direction. I’m frustrated at myself that I led myself to believe that grad school was the path for me. I now owe student loans for a semi-waste of 9 months. I can happily attempt to find two jobs but I think my mind is so unclear and unfocused that even if I had two jobs, I’d feel like having one was more fitting. Or I’d start a second one and wish I still had one.

There’s this weird thing that happens when you graduate college: you think it’s necessary to have a good job with a good job title. You want that security because you most likely spent a good part of your life without it. Once it’s here and you’re ready to get that paycheck, you really aren’t happy working that desk job anymore.

When I graduated college, I worked several jobs within a related field (both desk jobs) before I realized I was really unhappy. Then I opted for a simpler lifestyle full of simplicity where I would never take my work home with me. I feel that sense of relief at my current job. I go home knowing that the tasks at work will stay there. I have no nagging clients like my previous jobs and no company cell phone required to bring home with me.

Maybe this is “the life” — the less obligated one where I feel free.

It’s also the more frustrating life because my income is not consistent.

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